The Barbershop Seven: A Barney Thomson omnibus Page 2

  'No, no, you see, I hate that,' Wullie said to a young lad. 'All this garbage about girls maturing faster than boys. It's bollocks.'

  'You think so, Wullie?' said the boy, bright eyed, acne-blighted face, teeth yellowed by illicit teenage cigarettes.

  Wullie smiled. There's nothing a barber likes more than some eager young sponge. 'Aye, of course it is. Think about it. The thing people equate most with maturity is sense of humour. One person's humour is another's schoolboy immaturity. Benny Hill, John Cleese, the Marx Brothers. For everyone that thinks they're funny, there's some eejit who thinks they're juvenile.'

  'I hate Benny Hill,' said the boy.

  Wullie nodded. 'Exactly. But he was the most famous British guy in America. You know,' he said, adding edge to the voice, 'that he ran for President against Ronald Reagan in 1980 and won nearly twenty percent of the vote?'

  The lad looked impressed, nodding his head. Wullie continued before anyone could object, while deploying evasive scissor tactics to avoid cutting off the boy's ear.

  'So that's the thing about comedy. What happens is that these young birds lose their sense of humour when they reach puberty, and boys don't, so they all think they're more mature than us. But they're not. They've just forgotten how to laugh, that's all.'

  The lad's eyes had been opened. 'Jings, I never thought of it like that, Wullie.'

  Wullie nodded, executing a neat manoeuvre around the left ear.

  'Thing is, you can't really blame them, can you? I mean, if I'd had a pint of blood bucketing out of me once a month from the age of twelve, I'd have lost my sense of humour 'n all.'

  The lad was impressed with Wullie's sensitivity for the female condition. 'Here, you're not one of these New Men, are you Wullie?' he asked, and Wullie smiled.

  Barney rolled his eyes, shook his head and went back to his sweeping, an act in which he was deliberate and slow, as he was in everything he did. He had never had the knack of talking drivel to complete strangers. Certainly, he could talk about the weather with the best of them, or could cast an opinion on the repeated episode of Inspector Morse shown the night before – although the opinion usually belonged to someone else – but when it came to uncompromising asinine bollocks, he just didn't have it. He had been cutting hair for over twenty years, and yet, in this respect, he remained an amateur. Still, on this imagined Day of Days, he had something up his sleeve.

  The door to the shop opened, accompanied by a gay tinkle from the bell. It was a Sad Man. Barney groaned. The 'few pathetic strands of hair' brigade. Men for whom hair is something which happens to other people. Men who grow a few strands of hair to a length of several metres, wrap it tenuously around their scalps, then wonder if people notice.

  The Sad Man looked at the man in the queue, who gestured that he was waiting for Wullie, then walked towards Barney. Barney ushered him into the chair, ran a discreet and well-trained eye over his baldy napper, and wrapped him in the cape.

  'What will it be then, Sir?'

  'A short back and sides'll be just fine, Big Man.'

  A short back and sides. What a joke. Barney looked at his hair, and dreamt of being able to cut it off at its roots. He lifted a pair of scissors, and they itched in his fingers. Twitch, twitch, twitch, eager to cut. Had to control the muscles in his fingers, the thoughts in his head. He sighed, put the scissors back on the worktop and lifted a comb. Might as well do as he was bid. As usual. One day he would have his revenge on all these bastards.

  He combed the hair several different ways. He wasn't a fast worker, but he could have had this hair cut and the guy out of the shop in under a minute. But they never appreciated that, these Sad Men, so he knew to spin it out for at least twenty. Make him think he had a decent head of hair on him. A dream maker, that's what he was. He felt like Steven Spielberg as he pondered the tools of his trade. Scissors, brushes, combs and razors, before deciding on an electric razor. Might as well pretend he had to shave the back of the neck and round the ears.

  On a normal head of hair that would be good for at least five minutes per ear. He'd been told at barber school that he would resent ears at first, so much would they get in the way, but in time that resentment would pass and he would come to love and cherish the ears, like you did any other more straightforward part of the head. However, it had never happened for Barney. His resentment of ears went beyond rationality, and he knew he would never be cured of it. And, as always, even though there was little to be done with this Sad Man, Barney got himself into a tangle of arms and legs as he attempted to negotiate the elaborate folds of skin and cartilage.

  However, ten minutes into the cut things were going smoothly. He was making it look as if he had much work to do, the Sad Man seemed happy, and there had been minimal conversation. Barney looked around the rest of the shop. Chris was reading the paper, Wullie had just finished telling his next customer of Florence Nightingale's outrageous lesbian tendencies.

  Barney smiled. Now might just be the time to drop his bombshell, show the others he could compete on level ground. Show them that when it came to talking shite he was right up there with the two of them.

  He had no interest in football. He hated it with something approaching passion, if so dour a man could feel passion for anything. Grown men as little boys. A war substitute. But even though he knew nothing of football, he had done something grand. That weekend he had looked at the league tables. He now had a little knowledge.

  'Hey, any of you ever read these lonely hearts messages?' said Chris from the bench, the paper rustling in his hands.

  Barney turned round quickly, nearly depriving the Sad Man of his right ear. God, would they ever shut up?

  'Listen to this. Single woman, late 30's. Interesting looks. Likes gardening, books and quiet nights. Seeks Marty Feldman lookalike.' He laughed, was joined by Wullie and his customer. 'Interesting looks? Bloody hell, she must be a stankmonster if that's the best she can do.'

  'Ugly bird, left on the shelf, more like,' said Wullie.

  'And these guys are just as bad,' said Chris. 'Forty-six year old aesthete... What's an aesthete again?'

  'I think it's someone who changes his y-fronts twice a day,' said Wullie.

  'They probably meant athlete. It'll be a printing error,' said Wullie's customer.

  'Aye, right,' said Chris. 'Forty-six year old athlete seeks attractive woman in early twenties. Bloody hell, I bet he does. For long walks, gin and tonic as the sun goes down, Corelli's Concerto Grosso in G Minor, Wordsworth, and Renaissance architecture.' He shook his head. 'What a flipping bampot.'

  'What are you saying?' said Wullie. 'You don't like Corelli?'

  'Not sure,' said Chris. 'Was he the Juventus centre-half the Rangers tried to sign?'

  Chris laughed and returned to reading the paper. Barney simmered. He waited to see if Chris would say something else, thinking, 'just shut up for five seconds'. Got ready to talk his own bit of drivel. Opened his mouth, smiled.

  'Listen to this one,' said Chris, laughing. 'Mature woman, mid-80s, looking for love. Skilled in Eastern lovemaking. Seeks man in 20s/30s for nights of passion. No cranks. Mid-80s! Can you believe it? Cheeky old midden.'

  'There's some strange folk out there,' said Wullie. 'Bet she gets loads of replies. Good luck to the gallus old cow.'

  'Eastern lovemaking?' said Wullie's customer. 'You think that means she's shagged someone in the back of a motor in Edinburgh?'

  The others laughed, Barney fumed, annoyed at himself for listening. Mid-80s. Incredible. It could've been his own mother, and he shivered at the thought.

  Silence again. This time he would seize the moment.

  'What d'you make of those Rangers, eh?' he said to the Sad Man, slightly louder than was necessary, and he cast an eye over the rest of the shop to see the reaction he had elicited. Chris was laughing at the paper, and ignoring him; Wullie glanced over, but no more. Barney looked back to the customer.

  Sad Man shrugged. 'What about them?' he said. 'Don't really follow it mys
elf.'

  He caught Barney's eye in the mirror and looked convincingly back. He was lying. He'd been a season ticket holder at Ibrox for over seventeen years, but he was aware of Barney's conversational deficiencies and there was no way he was talking to him about anything. Even the Rangers.

  Barney had little reply, as he was already almost at the cusp of his knowledge; so he lurched into his usual silence. All that waiting for nothing. Feeling spurned, he hurried through the rest of the haircut, managing to stop himself cleaving off several feet of hair emanating from behind the right ear.

  Five minutes later, the Sad Man handed over his cash, an extra fifty pence included, and walked out into the light drizzle of morning feeling like Robert Redford.

  Barney watched him go, shaking his head with every step. If he ever got to run the shop he would have a sign put in the window. Customers Must Have Hair. He sneered and looked at the waiting area. The next customer up, he shuffled his razors and contemplated whether or not to mention the fact that he knew Rangers were five points clear at the top of the league.

  ***

  The day dragged on, following its usual course. Barney only cut about half the amount of hair as the other two, partly because he was a lot slower, partly because few people sought him out in particular ahead of the others. It wasn't until late in the afternoon that he felt able to broach the subject of football again, and with an almost mathematical inevitability he was caught with his pants down.

  It was a big bloke, a labourer from a site down by the Clyde. He was wearing a Scotland top, making Barney feel confident in starting a football conversation. Once again he bided his time, then chose his moment with a flourish, foot firmly in mouth, when all else in the shop was quiet.

  'What d'you make of those Rangers, eh?' he said, not quite as cocksure as before, but still with a glint in the eye.

  'What about them?' growled the Scotland strip.

  Displaying the kind of blinkered enthusiasm which allowed Custer to stop for a KFC and a doughnut at the Little Big Horn, Barney failed to spot the warning signs.

  'Five points clear at the top of the league. Some team, eh?'

  The Scotland strip grunted. 'They're shite. Lost their last three games now. Pile of pish, so they are.'

  Barney hesitated, but he bravely determined to battle on, like the German tanks in the Ardennes, until he ran out of fuel.

  'Aye, but you know, five points clear at the top of the league. Can't be bad, eh?'

  'They're still shite. They're only five points clear at the top of the league because everyone else is even more shite than them.' He looked at Barney. This was a man who ate babies. 'What do you know about football anyway?' he growled.

  Barney swallowed, scissors trembling in his hands. Unable to think of an answer, he quickly resumed some gentle snipping, a layer of tension now descended on his little area of the shop. For once he did not dither over a cut and, while ensuring that he did not make a hash of it, sent the Scotland strip packing as quickly as possible. He left with a grunt and all his change in his pocket.

  As the door closed behind him, and Barney breathed a sigh of relief, Wullie laughed and spoke to him for the first time since twenty-five minutes past eight that morning.

  'If you're going to tell someone how good the Rangers are, try not telling a Celtic fan next time, eh Barney? We don't want a riot in here.'

  He laughed again and was joined by everyone else in the shop. Barney, suitably embarrassed, retreated to the hiding place that was his natural reserve, and plotted his usual plans of revenge.

  Bastards. They were all bastards.

  He looked out the window at the massive figure retreating into the distance, and dreamt of him falling into a manhole, breaking his neck.

  The rain thundered down with ever greater intensity. The skies were dark; occasional ferocious streaks of lightning rendered the clouds. The street lights were already on, fighting a losing battle against the gloom. Barney bent low over his brush, sweeping with slow deliberate strokes, and thought of dark deeds. Deeds to match the weather. Deeds which fate would force his hand to commit within the week.

  The Lure Of The Flashing Blue Light

  It rained all the way home. It always rained all the way home when Barney had to walk back from the shop. A phone call to the garage at four o'clock had produced the usual mutterings about a 'big job', and an estimated time of readiness of sometime the following morning – and so he had stepped out into the raging torrent without even making the effort to cover up. Head bowed, spirit broken, besieged by ill humour.

  He lived in a top floor flat in a tenement at the university end of Partick, one of the old houses, with huge rooms, and ceilings higher and more ornate than the Sistine Chapel. The kind of place which years ago had fostered a warm community spirit, but no longer in such times as these. Barney viewed all those around him with varying degrees of contempt and suspicion – his neighbours were no different.

  He hung his soaking jacket on the hook behind the door and trudged wearily into the kitchen. Agnes was making an uninteresting dinner, with one eye glued to a prosaic Australian soap on the portable television. As Barney clumped in, Charlene was having a fight with Emma's sister's ex-boyfriend's girlfriend Sheila, who was pregnant by Adam's gay lover Chip.

  'Good day at work, dear?' she asked, her eyes never leaving the television.

  He grunted, took a glass from a cupboard, went to the fridge and poured himself some wine from a carton. Chilean Sauvignon Blanc, flinty with a hint of apple; good length; full breasted; serve with fish or chicken, or perfect as a light appetiser. He took a long and loud slurp and belched. Put the back of his hand to his mouth in some affectation of manners, then pointed at nothing in particular.

  'You know what really pisses me off?' He looked at her expectantly, assuming her interest, although long years of indifference should have told him to expect otherwise.

  'What, dear?' she said eventually.

  'It pisses me off, all these bastards,' he waved his hand, ''scuse the French, who come in there every day and insist on one of they two wee shitbags cutting their hair.' The voice rose a fraction in agitation. 'I mean, do these people, these bampots, actually think that Wullie or Chris is going to give them a better haircut than I am, eh? Eh?' He stabbed his finger in the air, unintentionally pronging a passing fly.

  'Yes, dear,' she said. Troy had finally told Charlene that Cleopatra was pregnant by Julian.

  'Exactly. I mean,' he continued, slight bubbles of froth beginning to appear at the side of his mouth, a string of spit suspended between top and bottom lip, 'how long have these two been cutting hair? Five, maybe six years. All right, maybe ten for Wullie. So what? Look at me. Twenty years I've been cutting hair,' he said, scything the air with his hand in time with each syllable, 'and I'm bloody good at it.'

  'Yes, dear.'

  'Bloody right. And look at those two muppets. They couldn't cut the hair off a...off a...' He searched the air for a suitable analogy, finding it as Charlene slapped Tony in the face and told him that there was no way that she and Beatrice could be half-sisters, '...they couldn't cut the hair off a drugged mammoth. No they couldn't. Bloody useless the pair of them. You know what they do?'

  'Yes, dear?' She wasn't listening, but the tone of his voice had wormed its way into her subconscious, so she knew to sound inquisitive.

  'I'll tell you. They just bloody talk about football all day. As if it's important. Who gives a shite about football? It's a lot of pish. Or that Wullie just stands there and comes out with all sorts of garbage. Did you know,' he began, attempting an impersonation of Wullie and missing by several miles, 'that Cary bleeding Grant had an affair with Randolph Scott? Big bloody deal! As if anybody's going to believe that shite. I mean,' he said, rising to his subject, while his voice descended to Churchillian depths, 'I mean, look at all that's going on in the world. The country's going down the toilet. There's wars and strikes and death.' He clutched the breast of his shirt with his right hand.
'What's happening to the Health Service? Transport? Eh? What about that stuff? There's some bloody heid-the-ba' running about Glasgow slashing folk and cutting them up. What about that? What's the bloody polis doing about that? And what do they two talk about? Football!'

  'Yes, dear.' Charlene was now convinced that Troy and Beatrice were having an affair and that Bethlehem wasn't her brother, while some savoury pancakes which Agnes had magicked from the freezer twenty minutes earlier, quietly burned on the stove.

  Shaking his head and grumbling in a low voice, Barney polished off the glass of wine and began pouring himself another.

  'Where's my dinner?'

  'Programme'll be finished in a couple of minutes, dear.' Had Bill really lost his voice, or was he just doing it so that Charles wouldn't realise that Emma still loved Tom?

  Barney grunted loudly and wandered off into the sitting room. He flicked on the television, found the snooker on BBC2 and within five minutes was sound asleep.

  ***

  The rain struck relentlessly against the window of the dingy little office. Detective Chief Inspector Robert Holdall stared gloomily at the water cascading from the gutters outside and wondered what other disasters could befall him. As he had occasion to do most days, he tried to remember what it was that had made him want to be a policeman in the first place. Action, adventure, glamour, women. Obviously it'd been none of that, so what had it been? A vague desire to fight the forces of evil? Something like that. He'd had the thought in the past that it was because of the sixties Batman TV series, and had spent a lot of time since persuading himself that it wasn't that at all. That would be just too sad. Thwack! Biff! Blam! Love your tights...